Help! I am Getting a Divorce With a Very Young Child. How Do I Cope?
I had a baby just after getting married and I want a divorce. Is this normal?
If you are getting a divorce with a very young child you are not alone. According to 2012 research, couples who had a baby within 8 months of getting married were more likely to divorce. Couples who had a baby before marriage also had a higher likelihood of getting divorced. A 2015 report found that most married couples waited 3 years to have a child. Whether it’s seeing your spouse’s bad habits come out during the honeymoon period or the pressure of planning a wedding with a baby, combining children with a wedding may represent a rude awakening that could cause couples to question their marriage. There is no shame in wanting a divorce if the pressures of having a child have revealed some deal-breakers about your marriage. As you are already very busy parenting a young child, divorce should be a caring and practical process that helps you to move on with your life as easily as possible. Rather than fight your spouse or beat yourself up you can choose divorce mediation to ease the burden of divorcing with a young child.
Will my divorce give my child a bad start in life?
Getting a divorce can be hard on kids, but being the child of a marriage that isn’t working is potentially more damaging in the long run. When your kids are at tender age it’s hard not to feel like you are imprinting them with your flaws. Fortunately while young children are incredibly impressionable they are also very adaptable, and may move on more quickly from memories of divorce. It doesn’t mean that divorce doesn’t affect them, but it does mean that you give them a steady start in life despite divorce. Research into how children cope with divorce finds that children who are in elementary school find it most difficult to cope. Younger children tend to lose their memories of their very early years and find it easier to detach themselves from the divorce and make a new start. Children at different ages have different needs, so how you respond to your child’s developmental needs in appropriate way will have a big impact on how they rebound after divorce.
How can I have a divorce geared around a young child’s needs?
When you choose divorce mediation you are choosing a process in which you collaborate rather than fight. You will never stop being parents, but if you become bickering exes, this could affect your child’s sense of stability. Divorce mediation is geared towards supporting you in becoming better co-parents. Being a united front will address the need all children have for stability. In addition, unlike divorce litigation, where you are subject to the whims of a judge, divorce mediation can get specific children’s needs.
At Divorce Options San Diego our mediators have psychoanalytical expertise and use tools from psychology to assist divorcing parents and their children. We can help you address the specific developmental needs of young children and translate this into the appropriate parenting plan for their age group. Younger children are more attached to routines and need more hugs, reassurance and the security of their favorite toys and objects. They can go through stages of being more clingy or prone to tantrums, or preferring one parent over the other. In divorce mediation you can work to foresee these changes and create a parenting plan that builds security for your child, as well as flexibility so each parent knows what do when their child reacts a certain way.
My ex and I want to co-parent our children but we are concerned about our careers. How do we share the burden of parenting?
Having a young child can put a lot of pressure on parents who are married, let alone divorced. When you both have careers it can exert even more strain. Even though you’re going your separate ways, your ex’s career aspirations still impact your life. Your ex’s career success and happiness could impact your child’s future financial security. Rather than undermining your ex, it benefits your child to be a supportive co-parent. With young children this could be difficult. Babies will need feeding, which could fall to the mother. If your child has one biological mother but two same sex parents, feeding the baby might be something you can both do but you will have to plan. Regardless, parenting a child under 5 is a lot of work. One parent might feel like they sacrifice their career at the expense of the other. If you both love your jobs you can discuss how to share this burden in divorce mediation. Paying for childcare or involving a relative you both trust could be part of your strategy. It could be that you agree to take on more parenting duties after the child’s early years have passed to allow the child’s mother to refocus on her career. Some parents choose to live together when the children are young. This is a big decision which requires careful negotiation about boundaries, new partners etc.
In a lot of cases, divorced parents are surprised to find that delegating parenting with their ex actually gives them guilt-free time to themselves. If you work together in divorce mediation you can ensure that divorced parenting is a positive process in which both parents continue to pursue their dreams and goals. In divorce mediation you can work with the expectations of your career and the other parent’s capability to support you.
Our Services and How We Can Help
At Divorce Options San Diego we are caring, educated West Coast divorce mediators who are qualified financial professionals and legal experts. We never litigate and do not do adversarial divorce. Our divorces are built around conflict resolution, closure and practical solutions for your future life. We empower divorcing spouses to envision a future in which everyone can thrive, including your children.
Our mediations involve a thorough analysis of the marital property and a plan to optimize the community property to assist you in building security in your new lives. We put a high premium on a peaceful, child centered divorce that considers the developmental needs of the child. Very young children have specific attachment needs that can be accommodated by flexible parenting plans that consider the child’s needs as they grow. Our parenting plans are lightweight, flexible, but thorough and in compliance with California law. We assist parents in coming to parenting agreements that will withstand the challenges of parenting, even if factors such as relocation are involved.
We cater to those with busy lives living in cities like San Diego. However we can also mediate remotely with divorcing spouses anywhere in North America. We provide a bundle of essential services that can support the divorce transition, including paperwork and document services, but also helping spouses to transition via divorce coaching, career coaching and redecorating a home or a child’s new bedroom.
Our mediations are confidential and discreet so you can be assured of privacy. We have offices in Solana Beach, CA and can mediate in person or remotely at your convenience, COVID-19 requirements permitting. Please contact us to learn more about our California divorce mediation services.
