Disclaimer: This article does not constitute legal advice. If you have any questions about your individual situation it is best to seek the advice of an experienced legal professional.
When you’re getting a divorce, it can seem like your whole life is undergoing a slow motion explosion. It may be easier to descend into conflict and blame the nearest person available (typically your ex), but this makes the divorce process even more destructive. If you are committed to having an amicable divorce, there are ways to do this. Choosing the peaceful path will make the transition much easier on you and your kids.
Choose Divorce Mediation. To make the divorce process easier and avoid conflict you can turn to divorce mediation to work out issues involving finances and child custody. Divorce mediation is a neutral venue for working out issues about your divorce that gives you a better chance of having an amicable divorce and even remaining friends. Rather than retaining two separate divorce lawyers, you work with one mediator, who facilitates a peaceful negotiation between you and your ex over your assets and your child custody. Divorce mediation can even be a space to learn conflict resolution skills and model better communication with your ex.
Take Care of Yourself and Seek Support. After your ex, the next person you might want to blame is yourself, but beating yourself up does more harm than good. The more self-compassion you can muster, the more energy you have to stay positive and survive your divorce. It may be helpful to make a self-care plan and seek support from friend, family and a therapist. Have a friend check in on you, and make plans to take a trip or do something that will help you relax.
Keep Your Kids Out of Conflict. If at all possible, you should try to keep your kids out of conflict between you and your ex. There is a huge amount of research to show that kids are damaged by conflict between parents. Keeping your kids out of conflict also facilitates co-operation with your ex. The best interests of the children is often a common rallying point for exes who can find common ground in protecting their children during divorce.
Get Familiar with Finances. If you didn’t manage the finances during the marriage, taking a course in financial literacy and familiarizing yourself with your finances will help you plan better and be better able to negotiate fairly with your ex during divorce.
Plan Your New Life. Although divorce can be scary, it can also be exciting. Planning your new life could look like buying or renting a new place, deciding to train for a new career or pursue new hobbies or activities. The more you are moving forward in divorce the less you will be looking back with resentment and blaming your ex.
Communicate in Acceptable Ways. Agreeing on boundaries about how to communicate with your ex can greatly reduce conflict in your divorce. Depending on your relationship with your ex you may want to keep communication to a minimum, or even just communicate via co-parenting apps. These apps often have prompts which can pause you if communication gets aggressive. In your divorce mediation you can agree on how to communicate in acceptable ways, which topics are no-go areas, and what methods you should use to communicate.
Work Your Divorce Out Remotely. Many divorcing spouses find that remote divorce mediation sessions allow them to detach from their emotions and communicate more rationally and effectively. If for any reason, you find it easier to mediate remotely with your ex, at Divorce Options San Diego, we offer completely secure and private remote mediations. Many of our clients find that the convenience alone can make the sessions less stressful. Not having to commute to your divorce mediation sessions can reduce the stressful build-up to a mediation session.
Learn Conflict Resolution and Communication Skills. It’s not too late to learn how to communicate better with your ex. These skills will last a lifetime, and you can learn them during your divorce mediation sessions. Using language that de-escalates conflict is key to having a more peaceful divorce.
Keep Your Divorce Private Unlike going to court, divorce mediation is a completely private and confidential process. Whatever is discussed in your divorce mediation sessions is kept behind closed doors. Sometimes people getting a divorce choose to be vocal about their divorce on social media. It’s highly recommended that you stay off social media during your divorce. The quickest way to get into conflict with your ex is to start sharing emotional or angry posts about your divorce that your mutual friends and family can see.
Be Respectful About Dating After Divorce One of the easiest ways to get into conflict with your ex is to be insensitive about dating after divorce. Jumping into dating, being very public about a new relationship, and introducing a new partner to the kids when it’s inappropriate to do so, are all ways to get into conflict with your ex. At the same time, your ex should be allowed to move on after divorce. Avoid bitterness and policing your ex’s behavior. You can discuss these issues in divorce mediation and set appropriate boundaries that can de-escalate conflict and protect your kids.
Our Services and How We Can Help
At Divorce Options San Diego, we never do adversarial divorce. We don’t litigate and instead empower divorcing spouses to come to collaborative agreements that will help them thrive after divorce. Our caring, educated, West Coast, Divorce mediators espouse a non-violent philosophy that we put to work for divorcing couples in all our mediation sessions.
We are qualified financial professionals who also have legal and psychoanalytical expertise. We bring a range of practical and emotionally focused tools to bear in our divorce mediations that can help divorcing spouses communicate better and get a peaceful, dignified divorce. We understand that the practical and emotional aspects of divorce often intersect. We assist divorcing spouses in coming to agreements that optimize their community property. We can also help divorcing spouses with aspects of planning their new life, and offer additional services such as divorce coaching and career coaching. We help couples get a child-centered divorce that stays focused on the common goal of the child’s wellbeing. If divorcing couples are able to look forward to a positive, common goal, their divorce negotiations will be more productive and positive.
We support couples in achieving their goals by whatever means are most comfortable and productive for them. If it is easier to mediate remotely we can do remote mediation sessions by Zoom and other teleconferencing apps. All our mediations are completely private and confidential. We have offices in Solana Beach, CA and can mediate in person or remotely at your convenience. Please contact us to learn more about our California divorce mediation services.
